Ive been away from regular stuff that keeps me centered, and boy it makes a difference, but it can be really difficult for me to give in to daily prayer and contemplation when I feel so limited in my ability to get done what needs to get done with all thats happening right now. Not a complaint, but i am becoming so aware of my need to go and be with Jesus every day, in silent prayer, listening.
Right now we are rounding out 6 straight weeks of overseeing mulitple people working on our house so we can be prepared for an appraiser to tell us how much our house is worth so the bank can refinance our mortgage and "give us" some more monwy to finish it up. I cant tell you how difficult this process is for me. I do not like to reliquish control and oversee other people working on our home. I dont know why, I want to WANT to have it be easy, but it is not. On top of that its one of my closest friends, so that gets messy too. Letting go is really important for me though, and self care as well. Seeing things through, finishing ideas we had when I was 26 is also a good idea. Getting on to the next version of me seems Herculean. Finishing anything does for me. But its so good to untie one more knot in that Gideon cluster that is the interworkings of my brain at times.
We signed the papers for the refi, and the bean-counter is on his way to tell us how much our house is worth. This game, is such a game. It feels so inauthentic. I dont like games. I dont particularly like capitalism either, and I feel so stuck there sometimes, so compromised. having to dress up the house so it looks worth it is so hard for me. But it dovetails with actually finishing bits and pieces Ive been neglecting for years now. And it is looking SO SWEET!
I cant wait to get some of this cash and apply it to things like a wood buring stove, super high efficiency boiler, new kitchen, and maybe even a double-tiered roof deck where we plan on growing a bunch of our food! A lot of ideas Jenna and I have had (God bless that patient woman...love you babe) for years are coming to fruition lately....its often more than my brain can handle at once. Ill post some pics soon.
Oh, the bit about self-care......
1. Went to the dentist for the 1st time in 5 years - brutal, but so good.
2. Went to an orthopedic specialist to finally get my knee seriously looked at.
3. considering therapy again to work some stuff out thats really been coming up again and again.
57 hours
13 years ago
2 comments:
i like the now-Jeremy better than all other versions so far. you are like a fine wine, mon frère.
i'm really tearing up reading this.....oh how hard it is to let go my son, my friend, it is something i have worked at for alifetime, however, it does get eaiser, about the therapy....can i help...i can listen....i can pray....i am here.....and yes God Bless Jenna...oh i'm going to dentist this week also after a long time of putting it off..am i allowed to feel proud that you are a part of me..mom
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